A Spring walk, amidst the drizzle....

I had the most unusual day today. My babysitter showed up while I was in my pajamas, clearly not going to work, which is the only time she comes over to watch my children. Our miscommunication turned out to be a beautiful piece of luck.

I went to get my tires changed.

Read on, there is more to it than that.

Not only did the tires need to be changed but the rotors and brakes as well. That meant that I had several hours and no children. A rare and precious gift, which you might be able to understand if you're a stay at home, homeschooling mom, with 3 children 7 and under.

Anyway this post is about how I spent my delicious hours of quiet, I spent it inside my own mind, as I walked the rainy streets of my town.

I've lived here for 7 years. I have never just strolled along Main street or any other street for that matter. This is Montana you drive wherever you're going, because it's likely 50 miles away. The tire shop however is within walking distance of everything downtown. I walked past Montana Coffee Traders, and let my mouth water over the memory of a very yummy spinach roll I had there once. Then I went to Colters another coffee shop and bought some gifts for a much beloved friend. I wandered over to the post office to send said gifts, made my way to the health food store to return a wrongly purchased item, and then with no other thing needing to be done, I walked.......

The chill made my nose red and my cheeks pink, the rain made my hair freak and frizz, the fresh air made my brain come alive and I realized something profound........ I love being alive!

I love to smell, to taste, to see, to touch.. I love drinking beauty in through all of my senses.

Here is the important part. I haven't always been this way. Before the last year or so I was mostly a shell. I was living a life intentionally, and with deliberateness, but devoid of any real passion. I used to feel squashed, and censored, shamed and guilt ridden, controlled and angry, I'm not even sure I can express all the reasons I felt that way. I'm not sure I can point to any one reason why I don't feel that way now. What I do know is that I like passion... I don't want to go back the the dry beige human equivalent of cardboard that I used to be... Perhaps that isn't how anyone saw me, but it certainly was how it felt inside, at least in retrospect.

So here is my challenge, to myself as well as to whoever might be reading this. Sniff, rub, taste, feel, sing, yell, express, touch, look, and take it all in.... after you've done that, take a deep breath laced with gratitude, and then tomorrow do it all over again. Whatever you do relish this strange and beautiful thing called life.....

By the way Spiffy this was mostly inspired by you, as you are one of the most ALIVE people I have ever had the pleasure of knowing.

Sweet dream on and all,

nlk

Words worth speaking??

I must confess, although I know it's best not to compare, I've done just that. I received an e mail this morning from a dearly beloved friend who I have the utmost respect for. She sent me a link to a blog. The blog entry was about encouraging your spouse. It was beautifully written. It touched me, it made me cry. I don't cry much, so that is my way of saying it moved me deeply. What moved me more was what I read this evening about the woman whose blog it is. I read some of her other entries, her views on life, on belief, on God..... In comparing, I'm not jealous. Although I could never capture with words what she is able to express so eloquently, no in comparing I'm challenged.

What have I said that has lifted up my fellow journeyer? What have I said that has brought glory to the One I say I believe in? What have I said that has changed the heart, or made lighter the load of any other person?

The past year has been full of questions. The answers have been slow to come, mostly because I've had my fingers in my ears and have been running in the opposite direction of what I've known deep down all along. I've slowed my retreat, I've taken my fingers out of my ears, I've turned my face toward the giver of all wisdom. The Father of second chances or 9 million..

My love asked me today, "what can I do to find my passion to fill my voids? What do I need to keep myself honest?" Perhaps I've found a bit of the answer to those questions today. Sweet words of acknowledgement and praise from a sincere heart, words that found a resounding chord in my heart. I think part of the answer for me, may be speaking words of love and encouragement to those along the path, that carry the same woes, or different woes than mine.

It feels right. It seems noble. I want to lift up rather than vent. I want to find solutions rather than rehearse my angst. I want, I want, I need, I need to share, to openly say that in my struggles if I can help someone else with theirs, my life will not have been for naught.